In the glittering world of entertainment in the modern day, so much importance is given to the way that people look.
Countless handsome leading men have driven hoards to the cinema to see their latest film. How many pop stars can you recall from the last 50 years who have also been widely regarded as a sex symbol.
In the realms of professional wrestling, this idea that beauty and sex sells has oozed through every orifice of the business for decades.
From the arenas filled with lustful women, screaming for Ravishing Rick Rude. Through the 90s and the softcore pornography of bra and panties matches and all of the ‘Divas’ appearing in adult magazines such as playboy.
And if you think things are different today, I’d like to point you to a dark corner of the reddit universe, a murky damp place known as Wrestle Fap. And let’s not even get started on the creepy attention modern female wrestlers like Sasha Banks receive daily on social media.
My point, that seemingly the idea that you need to be at least above average on the attractiveness scale is intertwined with the entire history of entertainment.
Sure we’ve had the likes of Big Daddy V, Gene Snitsky and Bastion Booger on the big stages in WWE, but they are by in large anomalies among a history of pro wrestling saturated by oily hunks in trunks.
So, if this is true and appearances are so important in giving you the best chance to succeed in this business, why the FUCK would you ever get this haircut?
GOING BALD
Firstly I’d like to give a public service announcement to all men out there. Do you find yourself using less shampoo every time you step into the shower?
Is it taking you longer and longer to wash your face? Are you noticing more and more people wearing sun glasses around you? Then my dear friend, you are going bald.
It’s not your fault. It happens to the best of us. One day your swooshing around in the wind like Fabio in his prime, the next it’s dodgy come overs and a new passion for baseball caps.
My advise, which you may do with what you wish – shave that bad boy. Right now. Go into the bathroom, grab the head shaver and go to town on that diminishing woodland like it’s the Amazon rainforest.
Still not convinced? Well, here are some accompanying images which I think prove my point quite nicely.
I mean – come on, for fucks sake.
What is this?
Stunning Steve looks like he put PVA glue on his head and fell asleep amongst the hey. He shaved that whispy bastard off and now he is the baddest mother fucker on the planet. Even with a goatee.
So many handsome men have pulled it off within pro wrestling. You barely even notice when a man has a completely shaved head and some of the most iconic and successful wrestlers of all-time have ditched the groundskeeper willie for the more aerodynamic design.
Having really thin hair sucks.
It draws attention to the patches of scalp and let’s be honest you look like a middle-aged tractor enthusiast before you’ve even peaked.
Look at the state of this – why bother.
The extra effort needed to leave that small patch of hair, the end result looking like someone scattered a fine sand around you and some of it just happened to stay on your head.
A quick shave, we say bye, bye, bye, bye to that final tuft, grow out a bad boy beard and viola here comes Berty Blackheart to kick your fucking head in.
Remember. There is no shame in going bald. But also please remember, that for all the hair gel, comb-overs and caps you can wear, for every day you leave your hair like this. We’ll know.
MULLET
Like the jelly sandal and the saved by the bell intro, as a child of the 90s, the mullet holds a special place in my heart.
Looking back at music videos and films of the time, the Mullet like the Soviet Union was almost entirely faded out in the very early years of the 1990s.
However, like the peacock’s of the wrestling world. We have the men who stay true to themselves. Seemingly developing a mullet throughout the 80s and coming to the realisation that having really short hair on top and a dirty rats tail whipping around behind you was the way to go.
I mean just look at this triple threat. If you look at this image for too long, you will need to go and clean your eyes out with mouthwash. So we will move on.
The Mullet comes from the French Words ‘Mul’ meaning sex and ‘Let’ meaning pervert and I think you’ll agree that by 1995 if you had a mullet, suddenly mums would start pulling their children away from you in the street. And rightfully so in my opinion. I say you should never judge a book by it’s cover.
But if I ever came across a book with a mullet, I’d assume the contents were about child murders.
Nobody looks good with this hairstyle.
Everyone tried it. And some have even stuck with it to this day, all of whom are mentally deranged apart from one man, whom for some unknowable reason has worn a mullet every single day of his life and for an even more unknowable reason, made it totally work.
You go man! Ride off into the sunset with your beautiful shapes.
PEACOCK
Ever wondered what it would feel like to be the personification of a ancient instrument of war?
Well Shannon More did when he woke up one day, smoked a bowl or 3 and stumbled into the local discount shave and save.
“You want what?”, Exclaimed the barber?
As Shannon pointed furiously at the copy of a history book he’d brought with him.
“They’re really cool, they used them in the olden times in Europe” Shannon continues, “I think it could really catch on, like my favourite film 300”.
“Okay exclaimed the barber”, as he squinted closer at the Book On Ancient history Shannon was now furiously waving around in the air, “If it’s really what you want?”.
Shannon Moore fits into the category of peacock, when it comes to talking about wrestler’s hair styles.
Flamboyant, flashy and designed in every way to attract as much attention as possible. With little regard to their own personal safety, these performers are mavericks at the forefront of hairstyle design.
A sub category of the Peacock, is certainly the Mohawke. A favourite amongst those in pro wrestling looking to stand out, completely change their look and present themselves as not a part of the system. Well I’ve got news for you guys, the system exists for a reason, so that things like this don’t happen.
We’ve even been unfortunate enough to witness the rarest of all the Mohawke combinations. What is referred to amongst wrestling historians as the puzzle partnership. Where we saw The Road Warriors sporting styles that when combined would bring about the end of the world. At least that is what the ancient texts have prophesised.
In the wider world of the peacock, no matter how violently disgusting they may appear. How horribly uneven their hairlines. These men strive to deliver the unexpected and dazzle audiences with their never before seen styles.
I for one wish I had never-before or never after seen these styles as they make me feel physically sick.
But as it’s often been said by the likes of Vince McMahon and O.J Simpson any publicity is good publicity. And these hair cuts live up to their name as peacocks draw eyes from around the wrestling world, making so many of us wish we were blind.
But don’t let me stand in the way of innovations. When these men decide to mutilate their bodies, who am I to dare hinder their progress.
Many men have travelled the world searching for new ways in which to colour shape and style their locks, but seemingly none of them ever stopped to ask the real question, why?
OUT OF CONTROL
The women of the pro wrestling world are not exempt from this follicle folly.
And some of the female athletes hair styles are as outrageous and non-sensicle as many of the men’s. However, usually for one different reason.
In the world of competitive fighting, martial arts and MMA we have seen the likes of Ronda Rousey and numerous other female athletes change perceptions of women’s sports and shown the world that they are just as talented and brutal as the men.
In these fights, when someone who has trained for 10 years is coming at you. With the sole intention of causing you to become unconscious, surely, surely, you’d want to give yourself the best opportunity to survive the onslaught.
Surely you wouldn’t wear an enormous hat on your head that could get tangled, trapping you and dooming you to a fate of pain and defeat? Surely you wouldn’t want to wear a blindfold at this crucial moment and leave your future up to the knuckles of your ever approaching opponent.
So why? Please tell me WHY do the women in WWE especially for the big event matches, have such ridiculous long and untied hair?
Is it so they look glamorous during their grand entrance, because those memories are soon forgotten when you look like this by the end of the match.
This doesn’t just apply to the women either, but generally the men have shorter hair on average and most either tie it back or have it covered in a litre of mammas good ole fashion cooking grease to keep it from turning into a nest for Rebel Wilson.
“She’s a big bird”.
I DON’T KNOW
This final category is an unexplained mystery. Like the Roswell UFO Landings to the final series of Game Of Thrones, some things we will never truly understand.
This. This. This and This.
Cultural Apropriation.
What the fuck is this?
Literal farm yard animal.
I give up.
And before I go.
If anyone knows if this haircut was a joke I’d really appreciate your input. I’ve spent hours late at night laying awake in bed and I feel too rude to contact Tyson himself, just in case this wasn’t a joke. But I mean, it was a joke right?